The Last Email

Today’s post is the first guest post EVER for this blog, and it is brought to you courtesy of Andy, my guy BFF, who reads this blog and also comments occasionally. His comments are always witty and insightful, so if you so desire, go look at my last few posts and read Andy’s comments. BUT READ THIS FIRST. Kthx.

A few weeks back, LRC gave me what seemed like a simple task… I was asked to write a post for her blog. Normally I’m an excellent writer and have little trouble putting my thoughts to words, but this time was different. I’m really not sure why I struggled so much with this… I floated around several ideas that her readers (that’s you!) would find interesting and/or enlightening… and one by one I rejected them. Here are some of the ideas I floated around…

1. I’ve only spent a full day with LRC once in my life and I felt it’d be interesting to share our experiences from that day. I learned a lot about LRC and I think that was the day we really renewed our friendship.
2. A guide to wooing LRC. NOT that I have experience with this… the idea was that it’d be more of a resource for LRC’s (and her suitors!) benefit from a friend’s perspective.
3. Miscellaneous stuff about LRC that she probably didn’t know her readers would find interesting. (e.g. she has pretty feet and her face lights up at the mention of alcohol)
4. Things about LRC that make me sad.

I suppose I could have let this matter be settled in a democratic fashion (a vote!) … but one last idea popped into my head that seemed to trump them all. Having recently seen Randy Pausch’s “The Last Lecture”, I settled on a similarly-themed post… things I’d want to tell LRC from beyond the grave. So here goes…

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Dear [LRC],

I’m not going to pretend that I’ve been the best friend to you. Over the years I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of… many of them with zero regard towards you and your continued friendship. I know that you’ve never held any of this against me, but I did want to acknowledge that aspect our friendship. You have gone years without hearing from me and yet somehow I feel that you kept me as a friend though all of that. I just went digging through my Sent Mail folder (yes, of course there is email in Hell… where do you think spam comes from?) and it contains 9614 emails that I’ve sent to various people, but I went back and found (a very special) one that I sent on March 22nd, 2008. It wasn’t a particularly personal email (OK, it wasn’t personal at all) but it probably means more to me than the other 9613 combined. It was the first email I’d sent to you in a year. I re-read that email just now and the words were so impersonal… I’d have sent the same email to anyone… and yet from that, I rediscovered a friend..

Enough with the mushy, emotional crap… now we’re getting to the meat and potatoes! I guess since you’re reading this, it means that I have shuffled off this mortal coil and assumed my place in the fiery pits of Hell (don’t worry… all the cool people are here so I’m doing fine!) I feel a bit more comfortable sharing some thoughts that I never felt comfortable sharing with you now that it can’t alter our friendship. You’re such a kick-ass person that it REALLY makes me sad that you’re not able to get to a place in life where you are genuinely happy. Now that I’m well on my way to becoming worm food, I’m gonna make a confession… every time you’ve told me you were OK being single, I didn’t believe you. Every time you’ve told me that you were OK with the shitty treatment you received from [insert shitty guy name], I didn’t believe you. I never lied to you about this. I never said “Oh, you’re SOOO right.” I kept my mouth shut. You’re free to dig me up so you can grab and shake me while shouting “YOU ARE WRONG! YOU DON’T KNOW ME YOU ASSHOLE!” If it comes to that, just know that I won’t hold it against you and don’t plan on haunting you for the remainder of your life for defiling my corpse like that. I’ve always felt that. It needed to be said. It’s been said. I’m done with that topic.

Quit fuck’n smoking. There! I said it… not in a particularly graceful way, but I said it. The years we’ve been friends I really have done my best not to make an issue of this despite some VERY strong personal feelings on this topic. The day we went to [large city] together I didn’t object to you smoking in my vehicle… it was your day and I wanted you to be happy. Honestly, it didn’t bother me. I can think of at least one occasion where you’ve asked me to keep up with your cigarettes (I’m assuming you were sans pockets that night) and I didn’t object. You have always been a friend first and a smoker second, but it has always bothered me that you smoked. I totally accept that people are going to smoke… the world is filled with people who don’t know better… people who just don’t care… people who don’t have awesome things to look forward to… but NONE OF THAT APPLIES TO YOU. I sincerely believe that you will quit one day, but it’s too late for me to see that now. I’m not disappointed, but I’d have loved to say I knew a smoke-free [LRC] Don’t worry… it’s not all bad. Your smoking has given me the motivation to haunt the living crap out of many, many tobacco executives for eternity. Think Beetlejuice, but way, WAY more sadistic… and without the Harry Belafonte music. You really are such an awesome person… I just don’t like the idea of your time among the living being shortened by something so stupid. Regrets? Maybe. I wish I’d been a little bit more assertive on this topic… even if it meant risking our friendship. If keeping you as a friend was more important to me than keeping you alive, I guess that’d make me a selfish asshole of a friend… and that’s not how I wanted you to remember me.

Well, Cerberus is demanding a bit more attention than normal and I’ve still got a couple of tobacco executives to haunt today, but there is one last thing I want to mention. On numerous occasions you have apologized to me… you have said that you were sorry for bothering me… sorry for weighing me down with your problems… sorry for keeping me up too late… [LRC], you had nothing to be sorry for. Nothing at all. Shake that crazy thought out of your head!

Can’t wait to see you again!

Your friend,

Andy

p.s. Jesus is down here too… he was a false prophet all along! Who knew?