Fattie McPorkskins

Do you ever have those days (or weeks, or months…) when you just feel fucking UGLY? Like, Carmindy could do your makeup, Tim Gunn could pick out your outfit, and Ken Paves could do your hair and you’d STILL feel like a troll?

Yeah, I’ve been having that problem lately.

Since I’ve gotten a boyfriend, I’ve gained about 10 or 15 pounds, give or take, because I’ve been eating actual MEALS and not just rice every night…and while I was pretty tiny to begin with and am not overweight by any means now, it’s hard to feel sexy when your clothes don’t fit anymore.

I’m not exactly a rich woman, so many days I’m forced to wear pants that cut off my circulation because I can’t afford new ones. During the summer I got away with wearing dresses most of the time (because my dresses don’t judge me as harshly as my pants do—pants will MOCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU), but now that the temperature is cooling off I’m forced to wear pants more often. I’m growing tired of my frizzy, curly hair. And when I have a breakout? You STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.

Last night I literally hid behind my book while in bed with MY BOYFRIEND, the person who thinks I’m beautiful no matter what and constantly tells me so. “Don’t look at me! I’m hideous!” I said. And on top of having a few blemishes, today I woke up with a freaking stye on my eye so it feels like eyelid death all over my right eye.

Sexy.

I also even find myself judging people on television now. This is totally not like me. When I see someone bigger than a size two on TV I think to myself, SHE’S BIGGER THAN ME, RIGHT? RIGHT??!? And I totally shouldn’t be that way. But this weight gain over the past year has really done a number on my confidence. Before, I didn’t care what other people thought because I knew I looked good.

Now, I’m not so sure.

And I’m hungry all the time now. I just want to EAT and EAT and EAT and EAT.

It’s just such a terrible feeling, being me right now.

This hottie and I have been calling ourselves “chunklers” lately and begging each other not to judge the other when we see each other this weekend (!!!) because our arms look like twin hams. At least I will have some girl time this weekend and (hopefully) not worry if I’ve got muffin tops or not, or if my sleeves are too tight on my arms.

I just need to find a way to get back to the confident, comfortable me I once was. If I’ve passed the point of being 105 pounds only to never, ever return, will I ever be happy with my body the way it is? What happens if/when I gain MORE weight? Or, God forbid, I have a child and can’t get rid of the baby weight? I can’t go through life feeling this way about myself.

I AM NOT FAT (and I’m not just saying that because I think you’ll judge me if I am. I’m saying that because it’s sorta ridiculous for me to be pitying myself so much right now and I just DON’T KNOW WHERE IT’S COMING FROM). I’m just not as thin as I once was.

Then why do I feel so badly about myself?

This is not a post about weight (though it may seem like it). It’s a post about confidence. I haz none.

I’ve got to regain my confidence. In order for me to be happy, it’s just gotta happen.

Period.

http://www.amazon.com/Glamorama-Vintage-Contemporaries-Easton-Ellis/dp/0375703845