Dear Guy Who Feels The Need To Yell At Me From Inside His Dodge Pickup Truck With The Trailer Hitch Ballsack As He Drives By Me, And Also To Men Everywhere Who Think Catcalling Is An Acceptable Way To Pick Up A Woman And Holy Hell I Am Six Hundred Millionty Years Old Because I Just Used The Term “Catcalling”:

Look. I realize I am one hot piece of ass. You should be so lucky to get a bite of all this deliciousness.

(Apparently, not only am I elderly, I am also a Choco Taco.)

(I know what you’re thinking, and you have a dirty mind.)

(Pervert.)

(PS: I like you.)

Ever since I grew a badonkadonk (yep, I’m a white girl with an ass—and by the way, I am loving the way Urban Dictionary defines “badonkadonk”: Women who possess this feature usually have a small waist that violently explodes into a round and juicy posterior) and shed my braces, you have made a semi-regular appearance in my life. And ever since, I have been completely and utterly baffled.

What, exactly, are you trying to accomplish?

Do you want me to run after you, screaming, “Wait! Come back, dream man of mine! I can’t wait to run away to the trailer park with you and get started on becoming barefoot, pregnant, and domestically abused!”

Do you want me to return the favor and yell “right back atcha, hot stuff!”?

Or do you just want to pay me a compliment?

I will give it to you. Your efforts don’t go unnoticed.

But I don’t think you’re going to be pulling any broads with your method.

Still?

Don’t stop doing it.

The ego boost is nice.

Shakin’ that ass just for you,
LRC

——

Dear My Best Friend Claire’s Boyfriend Who Won’t Actually Admit To Being Claire’s Boyfriend Even Though Y’all Have Been Dating Oh Around Six Years Now And I’ve Told Her A Bajillion Times To Dump Your Ass Because You Two Are In A Go Nowhere Relationship And Claire Does Actually Want To Be Happy At Some Point In Her Life:

Facebook messaging me that the pair of pants I wore the other day looked good on me was completely inappropriate and a little bit creepy. I will now feel uncomfortable around you pretty much every time I see you.

Keep your eyes to yourself,
LRC

—–

Dear Guy Who Randomly Started Calling Me On The Phone In Middle School And Asked Me Out On A Date Which Never Came To Fruition Because Supposedly He Was Trying To Play A Cruel Joke On Me But How Do You Play A Joke Like That On Someone Who Doesn’t Even Like You Like That And Obviously This Was A Poorly Executed Joke Because Seriously What The Hell Dude You Can’t Even Do That Right And You’re Not Even Cute, To Boot?:

I saw you the other day. Nice double chin.

Karma’s a bitch,
LRC