I mentioned I had some vom-worthy Murray news, so here it is.

For those of you who are new readers, Murray was my boyfriend for three years. We broke up last May, but not before buying a house together, which I currently still inhabit and cannot sell. Murray lives in apartment that costs him less than half the house payment I have to dig up each month, so there’s already a leeeeeeetle bit of bitterness there.

A few months ago, Murray and his new girlfriend became Facebook official after about thirteen seconds of dating, which was like a 4″ heel kick in the boob to me because ever since the breakup, I’d tried to keep anything dating-related far, far away from The ‘Book. I posted no pictures and made no mention of any of the men I was dating, deleted any comments from friends that might have alluded to the fact I was seeing anyone, and I took my relationship status off completely (while Murray was, up until this point, still proudly declaring himself “Single”).

Fine. Whatever.

Then, a couple weeks ago, I was talking to a mutual friend of ours. This friend told me that Murray had turned down a great job offer in another city because he said things were “getting pretty serious” with his girlfriend. After TWO MONTHS of dating.

Chalk it up to the bitter, cynical bitch in me, but I knew that this was exactly what Murray was going to do. Settle for the next live woman who still had most of her teeth and showed any remote interest in him. Now, I’m not saying that this girl I haven’t spoken to in years may not have turned out to be a Saint of a woman with an ass you could bounce quarters off of who also makes a chocolate-covered dessert every night and gives 5-star BJ’s, but I know Murray. He’s a settler.

Also, this chick is 25, lives at home with her parents, and is a mother to a toddler.

(NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT)

Part of the reason Murray and I broke up was because of his laissez-faire (let’s be lazy and see how we fare!) attitude. About EVERYTHING. It’s one thing to be laid-back, but it’s a completely different thing to just not Give. A. Fuck. Murray was prepared to just take whatever life gave him (provided it wasn’t hard and didn’t take any effort).

Everything except me, it seemed.

If I’d never brought up the fact that I was unhappy, however, we would have continued living our sad, boring lives until one or both of us died. So he did want to keep me around . . . he just didn’t want to work for it. And he didn’t want to get married anytime soon, either.

This caused me more pain than I should have allowed. I will admit that.

So our relationship ended, I dated several selfish assholes, and now here I sit, as far from marriage as one could possibly be.  I’m totally fine with that.

And then I hear something that makes my blood boil.

Another mutual friend told me something that was overheard between Murray, his girlfriend, and her little girl recently.

The little girl called him “Daddy.”

DADDY.

Hear that sound? That’s the sound of me punching a kitten.

(Just kidding, OMG I would NEEEEEEEEVER do that . . . just thinking about that makes me want to punch anyone who would punch a kitten.)

I dated Murray for THREE YEARS and the word “marriage” made his skin crawl (WE ALREADY OWNED A HOME TOGETHER, REMEMBER?), and now some random chick is dating him for THREE MONTHS and he’s DADDY??!?!!!??!?!?

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go vom. Repeatedly.

Ultimately, though? I win. Because I don’t have to wipe snot off the face of someone else’s child. Ever.

Also I am way hotter than Murray’s girlfriend. Who has had the same haircut since birth.

WIN.