Well, my weekend was quite, er, interesting.

Yeah, we’ll go with that.

Despite a Friday night annoyance involving BE still refusing to just GOD DAMNED ADMIT THAT YES WE ARE DATING, SHIT (seriously, what the fuck is up with that?), we had a really, really good time together.

Saturday night was a wedding for my friend Sandra (I had to make up three pseudonyms for this post because I really didn’t want a whole post saying FRIEND GETTING MARRIED, FRIEND GETTING MARRIED’S BROTHER, and FRIEND GETTING MARRIED’S BROTHER’S WIFE, so I went to a fake name generator, and the first name generated was Sandra’s ACTUAL name, of course—and I’m not completely thrilled with the results of the fake name generator because I really don’t think Sandra suits her), in which BE was asked at the last minute to usher. Seriously, they were so unorganized. They weren’t even going to have a rehearsal dinner until someone talked them into it. So we got there early so BE could usher, and somehow I got delegated to videotape the wedding. I was pretty nervous about it because I’m one of those people who, when given responsibilities from people important to her, wants to do a REALLY good job. I didn’t want people to watch this video later and go, “Wow, LRC really BLOWS at videotaping. I feel like I’m watching The Blair Witch Project.” That would just not be cool with me.

But it turned out pretty well, despite the numerous smart-assed comments from BE, who was standing RIGHT NEXT TO ME when I was taping. Every once in a while on the video you’ll hear a BE-ism, which, I think, only adds to the greatness of the video. The video camera belonged to Sandra’s brother, Doug, and his wife Ramona, and they’re good friends with BE so they think it’s funny.

OKAY, PSEUDONYMS ARE IN PLACE.

Sandra = my friend whose wedding we went to
Doug = Sandra’s brother, also BE’s best friend, the friend that told him it was Not Okay To Date Me several years ago but now I guess he is okay with it since I’m not with Murray anymore
Ramona = Doug’s wife

Got it?

Good.

The wedding itself was beautiful. I took my co-worker’s fancy expensive camera from work (I walked into his office on Friday to get a Coke Zero from his fridge, and left with a Coke Zero and over $2,000 worth of camera equipment. Score.), and it was WAY nicer than the wedding photographer’s camera. I took a few photos, but once they cut the lights down I kinda hung it up. I ABHOR using the flash. HATE IT. So I didn’t get as many pictures as I wanted to, so that sucks.

BUT, I did get a rare photo of me and BE without his hat on. He is growing his hair out because his aunt has cancer and he wants to give his hair to her for a wig (OMG SO SWEET I KNOW). When he was running around freaking out before the wedding trying to get ready in time because oh really now I have to usher? Thanks a fucking lot for telling me in advance!, he got his first blowout. It was pretty funny, one of our friends styled his (BEAUTIFUL, SHINY, BETTER LOOKING THAN MINE) shoulder-length hair with a blowdryer and a round brush, and it was so cute because he kept saying, “Does it look womanly? Is it too poufy?” I assured him he looked very much like the stud that he is, and he quit freaking out after a while. I seriously have never seen him so concerned with his appearance so that was amusing.

My parents were in attendance. I always have a great time with them, but I usually have about seventeen STFU moments with my Dad where I just want to go hide in a corner because, oh my God, the embarrassment. My Mom ended up getting kinda tipsy, and once when I was outside smoking with BE she came and tapped on the window and gestured at her second helping of meatballs enthusiastically, as if they were a treasure to behold.

So later in the evening the people that remained all headed up to a nearby bar, and our plan was to stay in Doug and Ramona’s hotel room that night. So we stopped by the room before heading up to the bar, and Doug was TRASHED. He was slapping everyone’s asses (including mine, ouch) and just being a drunken idiot in general. But everyone just kinda shrugged it off at this point because hey, his little sister just got married.

So we head up to the bar, and after a while Doug and Ramona go back to the hotel room to go to bed. They told us to come by when we were ready to go to bed. BE and I ended up hanging out with another couple that we’re friends with, who also had a hotel room.

So when we’re ready to go to bed, we head to Doug and Ramona’s room. I notice a giant pile of shit outside their door, and it STUNK to high heavens. I just assumed a dog had come and shat on their front stoop, so I made no mention of it. We knocked on the door, and Ramona opened it. She said, “Just a minute,” and her tone was so angry that you would have thought she was spitting daggers. We figured she and Doug must have had an argument, so we walked to the parking lot to smoke and give her some time to do whatever she needed to do.

A few minutes later Ramona opened the door and said, “OK, y’all come in.”

We walked in, and the inside of the room smelled just as bad as the outside. At first BE thought that Doug had been throwing up.

No.

Doug SHAT on himself.

He got so drunk, he SHAT himself.

And yes, he SHAT OUTSIDE THE DOOR OF THEIR HOTEL ROOM.

THAT WAS HUMAN FECES MERELY INCHES AWAY FROM THEIR DOOR.

Yeah, I know.

IS THAT NOT THE MOST DISGUSTING THING EVER?

Joking aside, Ramona was PISSED, as she should have been. She said that she understood everything going on with his and Sandra’s dad (he has cancer and probably won’t be here very much longer—seriously, why does everyone have cancer? That shit is NOT COOL), but that doesn’t give him an excuse to get so drunk he SHITS ON THE FRONT STOOP OF HIS HOTEL ROOM. She went on to say that she was tired of him getting so drunk all the time and that she was seriously considering taking their little girl and straight up leaving Doug’s ass.

So, BE stepped up to the plate and demonstrated Awesome Friend Skills that I knew he had, but I’d never actually seen in action. He suggested that HE stay in the hotel room with Doug, and that Ramona and I go home. He said, “It’s going to take you (Ramona) not being here in the morning to illustrate to him just how badly he’s fucked up. Don’t worry, I’ll give him a good talking-to in the morning and things will be different tomorrow. I’m going to tell him what you said about taking your baby and leaving him and maybe I can convince him to quit drinking. Then y’all can go home and sleep and I’ll try to air out this stink-hole.”

Then BE went into the bathroom, grabbed Doug’s shitty drawers, and threw them out into the woods.

THAT IS FRIENDSHIP RIGHT THERE.

(Today BE told me that this morning he told Doug, “I hope you didn’t have your name written in the back of your underwear!”)

Marital problems aside, that is some funny shit right there. No pun intended.

So this morning BE and I had some good laughs at Doug’s expense. I’m pretty certain they worked things out, but that story is one for the history books right there.

Not spending the night together last night threw off our fornication schedule, though, so I was ultra horny tonight, and BE didn’t answer the phone when I called. BOO. Oh well, maybe we can actually squeeze some WEEKNIGHT SEX in this week.

I really, really hope your weekend involved far less feces ‘incidents’ than mine.

Because really, one is enough.