The one where I get all boo-hoo, woe is me

I can honestly say that I have struggled with a bit of jealousy in my life. I can admit it because I actively try  NOT to be a jealous person. I’m not rude or hateful to people that have something I want. My jealousy is more inward. Silent.

Whenever I feel a bit of jealousy coming on, I remember what a co-worker once told me. “I am always happy for people when they have great fortune, even if nothing good seems to be happening in my life at the moment. Because I know one day when it’s ‘my turn’, that person will be happy for me.”

I think that’s a pretty good philosophy to live by. And it helps me be less of a jealous person.

So lately, while not really feeling jealous (because I am genuinely HAPPY for these people and I wish them the very best), I’ve been feeling a little down when I talk to engaged couples or read blogs where people talk about their upcoming weddings, recent engagements, or even just their awesome relationships.

Because I couldn’t be farther from any of those things.

I do enjoy being single and having my independence. But it can get lonely. I see myself fitting the cliche — sitting on my couch with a frozen dinner while watching 90210 with my cat (NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT) — and my “girl instinct” tells me, “Wow, LRC. You really are pathetic.”

Because when Murray was around, I relished my alone time. I would do whatever I wanted when he wasn’t there, and it was glorious. Because when he was there, we had to always agree on what we were doing. Which, at the time, seemed suffocating.

But now, I don’t even have that option.

I don’t have the OPTION, let alone the obligation, of coming home to anyone. Because I’m all alone.

I don’t know what happened to my independence. I used to be the standoffish one. The one who pushed people away when they got too close. Now I’m reduced to the “Why hasn’t he called? Am I ever going to have sex again? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?” blubbering idiot woman I never thought I’d be.

And during the commercials between the episode when Donna finds out Gina is actually her half-sister, when those happy couples come on TV talking about how they’ve found true love on eHarmony.com, I’m tempted to hurl my blackened chicken primavera Lean Cuisine at the TV and scream, “NOT FAIR!”

But one day, it will be my turn. I will find the person I want to come home to every night, and wake up beside every morning. The person who makes living life immensely more satisfying. And the people who care about me will be happy for me.

But maybe not those people on the eHarmony commercials. They may still be bitter about the alfredo sauce.