Names have been changed from the previous blog. Please see cast for updates.

I am really trying to ignore the fact that I only have $6.98 in my checking account right now, and I just got paid on Monday. Not having anyone to split the bills with sucks. Especially when you get hit with an electric bill that was TWICE the amount it was last month. How the hell did that happen? I keep the thermostat on 78. SEVENTY. EIGHT. When Murray was around, he kept that shit on 73. How could it possibly DOUBLE in one month?  Also, I’ve been doing HALF the amount of laundry as usual because it’s just MY clothes. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I guess it goes without saying, I really need that stimulus check. PRONTO. It was supposed to be mailed out by June 20th, and it still hasn’t gotten here. I suppose I should be lucky to be getting anything at all, but seriously, IRS? Fuck you.

Anyone want to purchase, like, EVERYTHING I OWN?

Also, Adam leaves today for his five week long trip. I am going to miss the shit out of him. I just wish he wasn’t so damned strange. He has been sending me all sorts of mixed signals. I’m actually pretty tired of it. I’m to the point where I don’t even want to know if I am going to contact him when he gets back. I think I’m just going to let him contact me. If he doesn’t, well I’ll be hurt like hell, but then there will be my answer of what he really feels.

Here’s an example of his passive-aggressiveness:

Yesterday I got a text from him . . . one of those blank ones that just says [Page]. Those messages can mean one of two things (I think La may have mentioned the blank text in one of her recent entries):

  1. He is paging me to call him (not likely), or
  2. He was thinking of texting me, decided not to, and sent a blank message instead by accident.

I am thinking it was number two. Either way, his fingers were poised over his keypad with my number in plain view, contemplating getting in touch with me.

So I texted back, “What’s up?”

He texted, “What’s up?” (This is him being a smartass. Not one of his most attractive qualities).

Me: “Not much . . . just got a blank text from you. Did you want something?”

Him: “No.”

Again. WHAT. THE. FUCK. He does this crap all the time. He will text me, I will reply, and then he will act like I am this clingy man trap who will not leave him the eff alone. YOU MESSAGED ME FIRST, ASSHAT. These games have got to stop.

I guess I still put up with him because he’s fun and cute and great in bed. That, and the fact that I am incredibly lonely. In the first couple of weeks I started hanging out with Adam, he was a good way for me to forget about my failed relationship with Murray for a little while. We just enjoyed being around each other. Somewhere along the way, though, he got the wrong impression of me. Apparently, he thinks I want to be his wife and have his babies or something. That is most DEFINITELY not the case. This is all just so frustrating and confusing. I am very vulnerable right now because of the breakup and all, and I do not need someone fucking with my emotions. I have let this boy get to me in ways that I never should have. I am fairly certain it would have been different had I not just gotten out of a long-term relationship. It makes me that much more susceptible to being hurt.

On top of Adam being either REALLY HAPPY TO SEE ME or either OMG WOMAN GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, then leaving for over a month, Claire is also going to be out of town this weekend. She has been my rock through this. When I boo-hooed last week over the shit storm my life has become in the past couple of months, she was there to light my next cigarette and write sweet little notes to put up on my wall. This weekend, she is going to be gone to the beach with her family.

Luckily, I will have a few distractions this weekend in the form of a 4th of July party and a friend’s surprise 30th birthday party. I really hope I can overcome this funk I’ve been in as of late. I know it’s my own fault. I’ve done this all to myself. But can’t it just hurt a little less?